I've been thinking a lot about this topic the last couple of months...friendships. How they change, how they evolve, how they begin and how they sometimes end. Over time, we change as people.
At the age of 29, I know that I am a very different person than I was at the age of 21. Back in college we have LOTS of friends. Some of them great friends, some good friends, some acquaintances, frenemies, or just drinking buddies. I found myself periodically deleting more and more people from my Facebook friends list over the years since college, since I really didn't talk to any of those people anymore. It doesn't mean I value their years of friendship any less, I just don't connect with them anymore. I think I was at about 600 people, and am down to 200-some now.
I can honestly say that some of my best friends now I met in college. I talk to them on a weekly basis, either text, phone calls, or email. Some of them I talk to every now and then, maybe once a month. And then there are others that I can not see or talk to for 6 months to a year, and we pick right back up where we left off. Those are the kinds of friendships I love. We understand that life happens to each of us and we may not be able to put each other as a top priority, but we still can connect as good friends when we see each other.
There are other times where you have a good friend, and life happens. People seem to change and go in different directions; they may have different priorities in life than you do, and it makes it hard sometimes to connect on that same friendship level that you have had in the past.
I think the reason I'm thinking a lot of this stuff is because we are currently in the transition phase of moving into parenthood. There have been comments made by some of my still-single friends about "locking your kids in the closet and leaving them home" when making plans to go to dinner with others because they didn't want the kids to disrupt the dinner. And purposely telling everyone that children are not allowed at this event or that event-which happens to be everything that they want you to come to. And basically they want it this way because they want you to party like a rockstar, get drunk and have a wild time like you used to in college. I know I'm not a mom yet, but as I start to think about feeding schedules, babysitters and basically how our whole lives are going to change, I can't help but feel a little frustrated.
And when this person is a supposed great friend of yours, how do you deal with it? I guess I feel like this person is being rather selfish. I feel like I'm having to make a choice between my husband and child and their friendship. Which to me, is an easy decision hands down. I will choose my family each and every time, no question. And when I make that decision to choose my family over them, I know they'll be mad and treat me differently. Which is fine. I just can't wait until they have children and will maybe finally understand the different lifestyle choices you have to start making.
So to other moms who have dealt with this or to others who have dealt with good friendships growing apart how did you handle it?
Soo... No, I'm not a mom yet either - not even close. However, we have our yearly upcoming Christmas party happening this weekend. I know that we have several friends with kids now & getting a baby sitter can be tough - people are booked, it cost extra money, etc. So, I put on the invite that kids are allowed to come to the party as long as the parents understand that there will be alcohol there & my house isn't the most kid-friendly house so, I expect everyone to keep an eye on your kid! It's sad that your friend is being like that towards you & others. She needs to wake up soon & realize what not only a blessing kids are but, also that she'll be losing friendships if she doesn't cut the crap!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to say yes, that's exactly what you do. You wait until they have kids and then they'll understand where you're coming from. Whether or not your friendship survives the in between time, that's something else entirely. But I'm telling you, it WILL be different. There's just not much you can do about it.
ReplyDeleteAs Cory and I are edging closer to the "without kids" group now that we've got a preteen on our hands, I can see it from both sides. I can remember being hurt when I lost friends because I was a young mom and couldn't drop everything to be there for friends when they had issues. Or like you mentioned, I just couldn't be the girl who goes out and parties like a rockstar b/c I had responsibilities. I was in the same place you are now.
But now that we can easily go places without a kid in tow, I find myself irritated when I'm out with mothers with babies and young children. Having a real conversation is close to impossible, then there's the crying. I am out of that stage of life and I'll admit, it's not fun to hang around with those friends anymore. My advice - if you can keep these college friendships, then DO it. But if it's becoming too much of a burden, let it go. Find friends in the same stage of life as you. You'll get so much more out of friendships with people who get what you're going through.
Sorry for the novel, and maybe not what you wanted to hear, but it's my experience at least. :o/
I went through this exact situation with my best friend. She had always told me that she was never going to have kids and that she was very uncomfortable around kids. After we had Charlotte she started to invite us to go do things like back country ski and snow shoe and stuff like that that we definitely couldn't or shouldn't do with a baby. It was very frustrating. I felt like I had lost my best friend. We tried to keep the friendship together by inviting them over to our house for dinner or to play croquet, or go bowling, etc. Stuff that we knew we could do with Charlotte in tow. We also tried to show them that not everything was out of the question and we would go over to their house and have dinner and stay until midnight to play games and have a "few" drinks. We would just put Charlotte down at their house and then load her up and go home when we were ready. The friendship did fall apart, not completely but we didn't talk much and we didn't hang out much at all. Now she is pregnant and the friendship is starting to blossom again.
ReplyDeleteI guess my advice is do what you think you can to maintain the relationship without becoming bitter or resentful. And the friendship may fall apart anyway. But be hopeful that if or when those people have kids and are ready to hang out again be happy!
My older sister told me that she was really disappointed to lose some of her best friends when she had kids and they didn't but that she learned quickly that unless you have kids, you don't get "it". They may say that they are sympathetic and understand but until they have kids they really don't and they won't truly understand what it is like until they do (that is not saying that ALL people are like this but the majority). I didn't want to believe her but that is what happened to me.
Just do what you can and remember that God brings people in and out of our lives for a reason, and sometimes His reasons are hard to understand but He has a bigger picture/plan in mind.
My husband and I often say that "one child is an accessory and two is a lifestyle." Having one child can be interesting. Your friends that don't have kids now have grouped you apart from them because you have a child and they have a more care-free schedule life than you do now. But at the same time, your friends with kids will tell you, "well, you only have one - you can do anything when you just have one kid". My husband and I always felt that you had to have two kids to officially join the "parent club." So that is how come we joke that one is an accessory and two is a lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteAs for your one friend, that is sad to hear. Most if not all of our close friends didn't care that we had a baby and actually enjoyed being with us and our son. In fact we had several friends that volunteered to babysit so we could go out. Hopefully your friend will change their mind after the baby arrives. I do agree there are times and places that babies shouldn't be but at the same time, we personally bring our kids "along for the ride" all the time. I think it has made them very content, easy going babies/kids.
Friendships definitely evolve! It's extra hard for us because we move all the time, and now almost everyone we encounter has kids. We don't mind that and used to try to do things that worked with their kids, but I think people with kids tend to migrate to people with other kids. I just try to make sure that I'm understanding, and that they know that it's fun to play with the kids and we don't mind. I don't ever want to be the "couple without kids" that make things awkward. Haha
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