Not Everyone Matters

I've Been Diagnosed

Although the title of this post may seem like I have some sort of medical condition, I don't. 

I've been diagnosed with Chronic Bitch Face.

One of my friends shared this on Facebook the other day, and I thought it was just so hilarious that I had to share it. I can't even begin to tell you how many times people have asked me "what's wrong?" or "are you mad?", "why aren't you smiling?". SO. MANY. TIMES. Nothing is wrong. I just don't feel like walking around with a big old stupid smile on my face. This is just the way I look. 

I thought I would share the article, because I could relate to most of the things on the list. I have been told all of these things at some point in my life! Get ready for a good laugh!

Chronic bitch face is a debilitating attribute that affects the facial muscles, causing the afflicted to look like a total and complete bitch. This crippling and socially impairing handicap deems a girl guilty of looking pissed off 80 percent of the time. Symptoms include emotionless eyes, fierce eyebrows, and an overall stern appearance. As a girl affected by chronic bitch face, I can personally attest that it is no fun and quite annoying. It’s not that I’m actually constantly angry or irritated–my face just happens to naturally look like that of a total asshole. I’m not talking about a Tyra Banks type of beautiful fierceness, I’m talking about a chronic Grumpy Cat expression. Unless I’m actively smiling or making an effort to not look like I just murdered a family of six, I look like I’m pissed at the world. It sucks, because other than that, I’m a relatively approachable person (after I’ve had my coffee, that is). You know that you also suffer from chronic bitch face if you resonate with the following situations:

1. You have to reassure your friends anywhere from five to 10 times a day that you are NOT mad at them.
2. You may feel totally content and happy, but you look like Kristen Stewart.
3. You sometimes forget how mean you look and are confused when people avoid eye contact or look terrified to be around you.
4. Your cute, flirtatious smile actually makes you look like you’ve devised a new murder scheme.
5. Your family constantly tells you smile, and you’re like, “I’m fucking happy, dammit.”
6. Interviews are your worst nightmare, because who would hire a girl who looks like she drowns kittens for fun?
7. The freshmen in your sorority are all afraid of you because you look like a raging asshole.
8. You get asked the same questions on a daily basis: ”Are you pissed about something?” “Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look okay.” “Are you bored?” “Seriously, what’s wrong?”
9. You have to respond to these questions, saying, “NOTHING IS WRONG. IT’S JUST MY FACE.”
10. Your friends eventually open up to you and tell you they were intimidated by you the first few times they met you. You’ve gotten, “I thought you hated me” a solid 15 times.
11. You have to use a wide array of vocal tones to make up for the fact that your face is stuck in such a bored expression.
12. You generally give off an awful first impression.
13. People expect your attitude toward strangers is similar to that of Kanye’s toward the paparazzi.
14. You’ve learned to avoid arching your eyebrows, because it makes you look like Jafar from “Aladdin”.
15. That cute guy at the bar seems overly cautious and on-guard when approaching you. You can just tell that internally, he’s like, “Shit, this girl looks pissed, should I go for it?”
16. Then when you actually smile, you witness a legitimate wave of relief sweep across his face.
17. Additionally, you give him major props for approaching you when your face says, “I have eight cats and I knit in my free time.”
18. You have to tell people when you actually are pissed, because your angry face is pretty much identical to your resting face.
19. In fact, if your face had a slogan, it would be “Get the hell away from me.”
20. Your cheeks hurt from faking a smile the entire time during a conversation with a person you’ve just met, because you don’t want him or her automatically thinking that you’re a dick.
21. Nicki Minaj is your spirit animal.
22. People think you’re PMSing every day of the month.
23. You look like you’re plotting a mass murder, when in reality you’re just wondering what’s for lunch.
24. Your boyfriend lives in constant fear that he has done something wrong.
25. You’ve learned to own your bitch face, because you are awesome and anyone who sticks around through your misleading mask will see that. 

Source

Friday Funnies

With such a wordy and serious post yesterday, I thought I'd lighten it up a bit for Friday! Here are some recent funnies I've found on Pinterest.

FYI, there's some naughty language below, but the e-card just wouldn't be the same without it!

Happy weekend friends!

3 Men, Cow Costumes, A VW Bug, and the Harlem Milkshake

What does one do when bored in a small town? Well, you order cow costumes that will no doubt be too short for 3 grown men over 6 foot tall.

Then you put together a playlist that includes "Single Ladies," "Swagger Jagger" (like from the California milk commercials), and the Harlem Shake.

Really, there are no words, so I'll let the pictures do the talking.

My brother on the left, Patrick in the middle, cousin Nathan on the right.

Practicing their dance moves in the car before they headed to town.

Can you sense the excitement?!?!

So, Nathan is like 6'4", and when he put his arms over the sides of the car, both hands were hanging off of both sides. His "wingspan" is wider than the whole bug!

 

So basically we rode around town following them, taking random videos as they stopped at the grocery store, gas stations, and in front of some of the bars where people were congregating. They had several people follow them and ask for pictures. They even went into a convenience store and bought milk. The clerk was laughing hysterically! All in all they had a great time...and were totally sober! Hahahahaha.

So now when everyone sees the bug driving around town, they're going to expect a bunch of cows to get out and start dancing!

The last stop they made was in front of the Vet's office, and we got one good video of them doing what we shall call, the Harlem Milkshake.

ENJOY!

You Have GOT To Watch This!-Patrick's VLOG

Friends...this has never happened here on this blog....a VLOG of Patrick doing his best impressions and impersonations. There are about 15 of them. I read them off of a list, and he did his best impressions. Please excuse if the camera is a little shaky because as you'll hear, I was laughing hysterically. Oh, and my brother Dillon's voice made an appearance doing the Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. Our cousin Nathan was also over when we did this, and he thoroughly enjoyed laughing at Patrick too.

They're quite candid, these two:

You'll have to excuse my laughing in the background. Oh, and FYI...his hat says, "Next to sex I love my John Deere best."

And without further adieu....my husband.

Friday Funnies

 Every once in awhile, when I'm feeling sad....or bored...or unmotivated....I go to Pinterest. I mean, who doesn't? Seriously. I was there the other day, and found some amazingly hilarious e-cards that I just had to share. Enjoy, and happy Friday!! P.S. sorry for the language if you're offended.

 

And if there were ever two words that would sum up my entire existence...these would be it.

Reasons Why Blogging is Like Online Dating

I've been thinking for awhile about this concept of Blogging and Online Dating, and how they are very much similar. Now, I can't say that I've ever dated online, but have several friends who do and have heard many stories about it. Here are 10 reasons why Bloggins is like Online Dating:

1. You read a little bit about someone's profile, and decide to "follow" them. In the dating world, this is like looking at people's profiles and deciding that you're interested in them.

2. You email the person several times. If there's no chemistry, then the connection fizzles. We'll just "be friends".

3. If the connection is there, then you continue emailing until one of you pulls the trigger. "Here's my number. Text me anytime!" But only texting...things aren't serious enough to call yet.

4. Now this is the turning point in the relationship...this is where it goes from online to "IRL" or, in real life. If you guys are in the same town, you decide to meet up.

5. If you're not in the same town, you decide that it's probably not going to work out anyways. Long distance is hard. You still email/text the person cause you just never know when you might be in the same town for a vacation or visit. The truly great people with connections will continue to email/text though. Sigh...one day...

5. In the same town and still not sure about meeting the person IRL? This is where the group date comes in. Bloggers will say, "Let's go to a blog meet up!" Online daters will say "let's go on a group date!" This happens for 2 reasons: 1-The other person still isn't sure that you're not an axe murderer. 2-If there's no chemistry IRL, then at least there's other people around to help take the pressure off.

6. Now, you're getting ready for your date/meet up. What to wear?!?! I'm getting nervous!! Should I wear makeup?? (Ha ha, Sarah Kate!) Wait...what if they really are an axe murderer??? Ok for reals, they're not...ok, freaking out again...what should I wear?!?! I need to look cute and trendy, but not like I'm trying too hard. Scarf! I'll wear a scarf! And boots! Or animal print? Must figure out how to create the sock bun...

7. Ok, now you're ready...to the meet up/group date we go! Stilllllll nervous. Call/text your other friend to let her know where you are, in case said person really is an axe murderer.

8. Meeting up...aaaaaand I can't find the place. CRAP. Now I HAVE to call them. Calling...."Hello?" OMG!! Their voice is NOT what I pictured in my head! "Hey this is so-and-so...I'm lost!" The other person is now thinking...OMG! That's totally not what I thought they would sound like!

9. Finally get to the meeting place and see them for the first time. You're thinking "They look exactly the same IRL!" You're getting closer....closer..."Do I hug? Are we gonna hug? Am I ok with this? Oooooohhhh, they're coming in for the hug...this is gonna be awkward. Ok, hugging, not so bad."

10. When the conversation starts, you talk about pretty much everything that you put on your blog/profile, and they out on theirs.

11. They start to tell you something, then realize that you already knew it. Then you both think, "Wow, I guess you already know pretty much everything about me! Thiiiiiis is kinda weird."

12. You're nervous to actually be yourself because you don't want the person to be horrified that you have the mouth of a sailor, or know that you have an obnoxiously loud laugh.

13. Proceed to either have the BEST time.....or not.One major difference between the two happens here...like the person or not, a blogger will take mass amounts of pics of the blogger meet up. If a person going on an online date did this, their date would probably run for the hills. Stage 5 clinger!

14. You part ways...if it went well, you'll continue to talk/text and plan future meet up dates. This time alone, since you figured out that indeed, this person is NOT an axe murderer.  If not, you'll make promises of seeing each other again, when neither of you really have intentions to do so. You'll continue to talk/text, meanwhile stalking the others' blog/profile to see if they've met someone new.

15. If you want to see the person again you proceed to tell everyone you know how great the adventure was. You plan future dates that you think the other person will enjoy, and try to mix things up every time. You document each of the experiences, making sure to share them via the world wide web.

So...what did you think? Am I right, or am I right?!!? Is there something I missed about the comparisons? I would love to hear your input on anything I missed!

Fixin' Fence Turns Inappropriate

Sooo, when I got home from work last night I had this whole plan of going out to repair fence where our yearling cows will go after branding in a couple weeks. I had my father in law get everything all ready and had a plan to take the dogs around the fence with me.

I get home and find that my cute, sweet, little pups had caused a BUNCH of ruckus on the farm...whoopsie! Apparently they thought it would be a good idea to chase some of the cows that were close to the farmyard, which sent the cows through a fence, and they basically destroyed it.

There were cows going every which way, and they were just finally getting all of the cows back to the right pastures when we got home about 5:30. So instead of fixing fence in the yearling pasture, we had to go to this other pasture and fix the giant gaping HOLE the cows created.

First off, let's just clear one thing up. When I say that I do "fencing" it means that I pound a steeple into a wood fence post with a hammer. That's it. For most good farmers, they are able to hook up a fence stretcher, cut and twist around barbed wire and pound posts into the ground. Not this farmer-ette...I just pound steeple with a hammer. Well, my services were not needed in this case because the posts were metal. Bummer dude. So, that left Patrick to do most of the work. Oh, and I failed to bring my gloves...bummer again.

So, here he is, stretching away, cursing at the barbed wire for not cooperating. He he he :)

And Tuff came with us...he was very helpful. P.S. that's Garth the Gator that carries all of our supplies.

Well, I'm going to go ahead and get inappropriate right now. We got the wire fixed and Patrick realized he needed to pound a post into the ground, so here is the basic dialogue of our conversation:

P: "Shoot, I need the post pounder. Do you know where it is and what it looks like?"
N: "No...where is it?"
P: "It's right inside the shop."
N: "What does it look like?"
P: "It's metal and round, and about this tall, and has an opening on one end of the tube and has a lid on the other end."
N: "Does it have handles on the side?"
P: "No...it kinda looks like a penis. A long tube with a head on the top."

So...note to self...look for a metal penis.

And penis I did find:

You KNOW you laughed!!! Cause it does, right??? Sorry....SO inappropriate on this one! But it worked, right?!?!

ANYWAYS....I bring the post pounder out to the field, we get the post in, wires fixed, and the rest of the fence fixed. Here is the final product!

I know I'm usually all sweet and politically correct on here, but in real life I'm generally inappropriate and use a lot of curse words. So, you got to see a little bit more of my personality today ;)

Have a great day friends!

Pinteresting Wednesday!

Soooo, today I just want everyone to know that it's my half birthday! YEP! 6 months until my birthday! Feel free to send flowers or wine :)

Anyways...

Ok, so first of all, I feel MUCH better about my Pinterest habit after finding a lady who has almost FIVE HUNDRED boards...and almost 60,000 pins. I shit you not. My internet at home froze when I tried to upload her profile in Pinterest. Now, whenever I feel like I'm spending too much time on Pinterest, I'll just remind myself that it's not as bad as her! HA!

So here's some awesome things I've found recently:

Cute, no?

How about delicious?

  Pecan Pie Bars

German Chocolate Cookies

Caprese Pizza Toast

Penne w/ Roasted Asparagus and Balsamic Butter (I'm making this one tonight!)

Jalapeno Cream Corn

And last but DEFINITELY not least, the funnies!!!

This one is for YOU, Kelli!

 Lastly-this one gets me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. You have to say it out loud to yourself to get it.

Come on, you know you laughed!!!

Flip On/Off Friday!

Hey friends! Today is Flip On/Off Friday, but I'm going to keep this a more positive post! If you'd like to join in, grab the button and play along! Just make sure to link back to Amanda and I :)

FLIP ON!!!
-Flip On to my sister Danielle who will be here in 4 short weeks! She lived with us in the summer of 2009 right after we first moved back, and she's coming back again! My brother won't be living with us, since he's still going to be in Basic Training most of the summer, but he said he'd be sure to come visit!

-Flip ON to having Easter dinner at our house this weekend! It's a lot of work to make the house all clean and pretty, but I love hosting and entertaining people, so I enjoy it. I got a bunch of new ideas for our meal from Pinterest and Pioneer Woman of course, so it should turn out well! What are you guys eating for Easter Dinner?

-Flip ON to my GARDEN! Project Prairie Princess Garden is underway for this year already, and I have my seeds ordered...are you ready to see what I'm going to be planting??? Ok here goes...Carrots, cucumber, green beans, broccoli, bell peppers, cauliflower, corn, gourds, mini pumpkins, cilantro, dill, green leaf lettuce, romaine lettuce, head lettuce, mini watermelon, red onion, peas, jalapenos, green chilies, spinach, yellow squash, roma tomatoes, beefsteak tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, beets, yellow onion, red leaf lettuce, and potatoes. Whew! That's A LOT! I'm actually going to have to plot everything out. But, I know if it needs to be bigger, I always have the room :)

FLIP OFF!!!
-FLip off to the ol' allergies. They're not doing so hot right now for me, and a lot of other people around here. It's not as bad for me right now as later in the summer with grass pollen, but I'm definitely feeling it.

-Flip Off to weekends only being 2 days! With the weather getting nicer, we have a lot more things going on and events to go to. I need another weekend to just recover from my regular weekend!

-Flip off to getting tractors stuck in the mud...even though it hasn't rained or snowed excessively since last Spring. We seriously still have places in the ground where when you drive over them, water squirts out and the tractor tires start to sink in the mud. That's crazy-makin! But on the surface, everything looks normal...that's when it gets tricky!

Well, that's enough for now...I'll leave you with this fun video, which is a spoof of "I'm Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO. This one is "I'm Country and I Know It," and does a little take off of Sweet Home Alabama. I found myself laughing hysterically when I watched it.

Enjoy!

Blaaaaaahhhhhh

Since I've been back from my work trip to CA and my Vegas girls trip, I have been exhausted. Like, yawning all day long, can't seem to drink enough coffee exhausted. I have NO desire to do any sort of work, or get things done around my house. I have been taking it easy and finally just unpacked last night!

My house is a mess, yet I just don't seem to care. There's laundry to be done, and that pile is getting bigger by the day. I desperately need to go grocery shopping, but just don't feel like it.
My garden REALLY needs to be weeded, but it just looks like too big of a task.

On the plus side, I did pick about 7 HUGE zucchini from my garden! I'll be grilling them up with some chicken tonight!

So I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not feeling inspired by much of anything right now, so sorry if my blog seems a little boring. I'm sure once I get caught up on sleep this weekend and see the hunky Dierks Bentley in concert I'll be doing MUCH better.

Until then, please enjoy this video. It's friggin' HILARIOUS! Warning-sorry if you don't like cuss words...there's a few in here.

For All You Crazy Bitches Out There!

So we can all be a little crazy around that "time of the month." That damn Aunt Flo can sure piss us off sometimes. I think it's best shown by the following letter. I received this in an email this morning by my dear friend "Lola" over at O For A Horse With Wings.

Get ready for some laughs!!

This is an "actual letter" from an Austin , Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'


Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ...

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Words of Wisdom

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a Sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Light than Kay.

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.


I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Everyone's Favorite Procrastination Tool

Well, it's my favorite procrastination tool at least! There is one thing I find particularly intriguing about facebook status updates. There are several different kinds, so I'll break them down for you.

1. There are the updates that say stuff like "I'm bored. Someone text me!" Well, if no one's texting you in the first place, no one's probably going to facebook you either. And p.s. the rest of us don't care that you're bored!

2. The "I'm so upset, I just had the worst day ever!" While I feel bad for people who had an awful day, I don't think you will find the support you need from people on facebook. Call your mother-she'll help.

3. The ones where people post song lyrics. I don't mind the ones that are all upbeat and happy or funny, but the ones where you are talking about your life swirling down the drain, thunder clouds are rolling in, your suffocating in your own head-those sad and depressing songs have no place on facebook. Go get an anti-depressant. They'll do more good for you than any song will.

4. The one where they give their EVERY detail about EVERY minute of their day! If you want to do that, get a twitter. And don't expect me to follow you :)

5. The one where people are in such a good mood all the time, you start to wonder if they're faking it just to piss other people off. Is anyone always really that happy? Maybe it's those song people I told to get on anti-depressants :)

6. Those completely RANDOM ones that you have no idea what they're talking about. These can be both funny and just plain annoying.

7. The people who post inside jokes on their status. I mean seriously, the point of having an inside joke is so you and either one or several people can joke about it. By putting it on facebook you're practically begging people for attention. Keep the inside jokes off of your status updates folks.

8. The one where people post how much they hate their job. Get a new one! Life is too short to not enjoy what you love to do!

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy updates like the ones where people post about what's going on in their lives, when they go on trips, new jobs, interesting news, and when people get engaged and have babies. I like reading stuff like that.

What are some of your pet peeves about Facebook status updates?

Couldn't Help It!

I saw this video on Youtube today, and it's friggin' hilarious! Gave me a good chuckle :)